Rockula’s advice for the irresponsible over-thinker

Yet another revalation in my latest series of introspective moments has happened
The shape it has taken is the form of a small notepad
Not to catch all of the clever ideas and feelings and all that crap
We artists like to fantasize that our notebooks will end up in some museum or purchased for millions of dollars becaise of all the pearls of wisdom contained therin
Nope, this is the type of notepad that my father tried to force upon me when I was younger
“Make a list” he would always say
I associated that stuff with school and rejected this way of thinking as the anal retentive ways of a man who spent his time looking for mistakes in computer code punched through paper cards
After all, I was a free spirited artist and was going to make my way by the seat of my pants
All I needed to do was just be me and someone would eventually reward me for being so cool
It worked for all my heroes didn’t it?
All you had to do was rock better than everyone else and a man with a stubby cigar would make you a star
Well, despite the millions that Bill Aucoin supplied, KISS worked their asses off even when they weren’t on stage and Motley Crue, despite being incredibly irresponsible and horrible human beings, went out and handed a flyer to every one of the thousands of people on Sunset strip (which attracted the attention of the man with the stubby cigar)
None of them sat in their tiny apartments and plotted and planned how to make an impact, they just did it

Back to the notepad
It started because I was spending too much time looking at a computer screen
I would take notes on the laptop but got tired of toggling back and forth between icons on a screen and getting confused about what folder had what (my dad would shudder at how cluttered my desktop is) so I just jotted it down on a notepad that has been in a box since Laura was in school when we were dating

At this time another psychological problem revealed itself to me

Every time I would try to organize in my head the different things I needed to accomplish, I didn’t realize that those ideas came with a whole host of information
Not only was I thinking of the idea, but the potential ramifications of the idea
I could picture the whole experience in my head, my emotions, my anxieties, my predjudices, every thought that I could possibly image that was attatched to that idea had mixed together in one giant ball of conflict

There are very many things that intimidate me that most people find ridiculous
From applying for health insurance to asking my dad for a measley $3000 car loan, every decision came with the complete weight of ever ramification associated with it both good and bad
But eventually, I started to look at the pages of the notebook where I had crossed something out
This was a clear representation of a goal that I set for myself and I could look at it and symbolically cross it off the list of shit I have to worry about that gets in the way of the fun stuff
Not only that, but I realized that the notepad was a way for me to disconnect myself from all of those conflicting emotions and anxieties and dissect the subject
I spend hours and hours doing that exact same thing with video and audio clips, why not do use my special powers to solve my own problems?

Here is a sample of a recent list
-dentist appt (crossed out after adding Thurs 7 29 10:40 am)
-GZ gig 8-27…
-city pages press release/callender?
– t-shirts? (get copies of artwork/logo converted to illustrator file – ask william what the fuck is an illustrator file)
– scope out potential events to hand out flyers
-draw up payment plan for car loan from dad
-deposit paycheck
and so on and so on etc…..

I realize a lot of this whilst talking to Laura about her problems
The reason why we are so close even when we aren’t so close is that we have the same mis-wiring problem in our brains and we allow the big ball of information to overwhealm and intimidate us
I wouldn’t have even bothered applying for Mn care , seeing a therapist and making this kind of progress without her giving me the confidence (also she sat on the phone while I whined about filling out endless paperwork)
So I guess I owe her

I hope this can help any of you out there who just can’t seem to get off your asses and do it because you have the big ball of confusion holding you down