anti-motivational list

Just got hit by a big wave of “wanna give up” and need to examine things
So I figured I would make a list of things that happen in my head when I reflect on my progress (or lack therof)

1- “I would succeed if I had a manager”
It seems that I can spend hours and hours working on my actual product but I spend almost no time trying to promote
Of course, I busted my ass on the GZ show but that was because Craig and Skaht pretty much handed it to me
So, it is not a problem with me being lazy, it is a problem with my motivation
The things I see stopping me is that I cannot seem to connect with the people who promote and book
I have found myself wondering if maybe there’s something I can blame it on like social anxiety and part fear of rejection
Part of it is my arrogance
I see tons of local shows with bands that that I consider to be mediocre
I’ll be damned if I am gonna beg some guy to put me on the bill, only to be ignored after multiple correspondances that always end with “We’ll keep you in mind”
The same goes with record labels
Part of it is my horrible experiences with shithole clubs
There’s nothing more disheartening and spirit killing than spending 12 hours setting up an amazingly unique and involved performance only to play for a handful of people (half who are in the other bands)
That is why I am not playing a gig every couple of weeks
Not because I can’t get a gig
I just can’t get one where it counts
A manager with connections could easily get me more effective gigs
If I can’t get a manager then maybe I could find some help
Perhaps another member?

2- “Things would be easier/better if I had a second member of PPF”
William and I were discussing this last night and he said “Maybe you just need an assistant”
My intent has always been to make PyroPlasticFlow at least a duo at the core
There is no illusion in my head that collaborator could greatly expand the quality of the music so it is not any problems with my musical ego
My ego does come into play when dealing with the type of musician I would consider working with
There are countless examples in my past of musicians that thought they wanted to participate, only to find that they were unable to live up to the claims they had made
To make the situation worse, the single musicians that are capable of living up to an equal role have no desire to compromise their own vision
The second benefit of a second musician is that they will assist in the mechanics of the performance, lightening my load and freeing up space in my brain to perform better
Maybe I just need to start off with a stage assistant/roadie
the ability to play easier gigs will free up my mind and give me more motivation to go after gigs in the future
Maybe I will go put up a craigslist ad after this looking for an assistant

3- “Is there a city or state that has more enthusiasm for my direction than Dallas or Minneapolis?”
This is a point often brought up in my conversations
Maybe Minneapolis and Dallas are the wrong cities to try this concept
If so, then where?
I am at the point where I have engineered my performance setup down to fit in the Wagon
This is an improvement from the previous situation of packing that Van to the roof with equipment and shlepping it to another state, then trying to figure out where I am gonna store it all
Other musicians have it easy
Just sling your buitar/bass over your shoulder and head to the promised land
But an entire drumkit with electronics and a PA system?
This forces you to consider things like some kind of stability
Dallas and Minneapolis have a support structure for me so they are safe
But the thought of trucking all that crap to LA or NYC because scares the hell out of me
Because when you fall on hard times, it is hard to keep ahold your equipment
Crashing on someone’s couch is one thing but you also have to make sure your stuff doesn’t get ripped off
So, it’s not the relocating that scares me
It’s the danger associated with moving to an area with no backup if I don’t get on my feet right away

I need to realize that I have a wealth of information in the people I have acquainted myself with over the years
These are people of varying degrees of success that could offer me at least a tiny bit of advice for me to piece together
They tour the country and live in major cities
They see things and know people that might be of help to me
Why have I not taken advantage of these people?
Because I feel like I would be imposing on them, resulting from the anxiety that I only consider these people acquaintances and not friends

Once again, it leads me back to what I see as a central issue
And that is wondering how I allowed myself to become so detatched from other people that I can’t even consider using my friends
These are people who have proven over the years that they want to stay in touch with me so why nnot use them for support?
Have I really gotten so far into my mistrust of people that it is sabotaging my life?