The Rockula Update 6/7/11

It’s been 2 months since the move back to Dallas and the ordeal dealt a serious blow to my momentum
Having my car self destruct not only caused me great distress but also has put me in credit card debt and severely hampered my ability to get a job
I am still $2000 in debt to my father for a car that now resides in a junkyard in Mason City Iowa
I managed to get $150 for it and sold some equipment but that only cut my CC debt in half

Living in Dallas is no different than Minneapolis because I brought all of my emotional and mental deficiancies with me
I still feel empty and devoid of any hope for my future
Although I have gotten a good portion of my drumming strength and endurance back, I still cannot manage to create anything new
Any and all attempts to write new music, lyrics or even edit video are smothered by an blanket of doubt and pitiful negative self esteem
So much that I am having those doubts again that I am ever going to overcome it and move forward
My friends have been supportive but cannot seem to help me get out of the hole

My new loft is located on the oppostie side of Dallas than the rest of my friends whaich has somewhat isolated me
Not too many people want to come visit me which forces me to have to take busses and trains to see them
Since public transportation ceases at 12:30 am, I am usually forced to crash on someone’s floor (usually Lacy’s for which I’m grateful) and then ride my bike home the next day
I don’t have money to go drink or have fun (with the exception of the $15 I spent to see Guitar Wolf)

Jobs have been scarce
I have handed in/e-mailed plenty of resume/applications but have also just now found out something that is even more frustrating
A lot of the time I spent looking for jobs was wasted because I was unaware of a semi-new development
Employers are no longer able to tell you if they are hiring
They are only able to tell you that they are accepting applications
This was recently explained to me by an indipendant business owner
Evidently, you can now be sued for telling someone you are hiring and then not hiring them
Back in my day, “we are accepting applications” meant “we’re not hiring and I am saving you the effort of filling out an application”
Now it means “Please don’t sue me”

People have asked me “Doesn’t living at a rehearsal studio mean that you have tons of musicians to talk to?” but they don’t realize that people come to this particular studio to do their business and then go home, which leaves a few minutes of conversation as they load in/out or smoke a cig in the parking lot
This has made me feel even more isolated from the world which fuels my depression and lonliness
Luckily, I have my family
My stepfather, Jim works very close to me and is always willing to give me a ride to Keller for the evening and returns me in the morning when he goes back to work (at 5am!!!!!!)
My sister, Sherri also found a bus that picks me up right outside my building and has a stop a few miles from her house
I come home with clean laundry, a full gut (with lots of leftovers) and a feeling that I am loved

Recently, Roy my mechanic offered some work at his garage
Although I am grateful for the work, I always come home filthy and exhausted with busted knuckles and a sunburn
Not only that but taking the bus/train from 183 and Moockingbird all the way up to Plano takes a long time
This means that, even if I get up very early (8 am is extremely early for me), I don’t get there until 11
Even then, he can only offer me 4 or 5 hours of work (if it is busy)
In addition to the physical exhaustion, I also experience emotional exhaustion due to the fact that I am a horrible mechanic
Just today, I forgot a bolt in a car’s suspension, causing the wheel to come loose while being test driven
I was mortified at the thought that it could have happened while the customer was driving it on the highway
This makes me feel like I am letting Roy down and wasting his money

I know that this paints a dismal picture of my life and it is, for the most part, an accurate picture
Many of my friends express frustration at the fact that I cannot seem to achieve any positive momentum
I can’t say that I blame them
All they ever seem to hear from me is how miserable I am but I cannot just put on a rosy expression and lie that everything is OK because it is not

All of the events of the past few months have re-enforced my continuing fear that I have deluded myself into thinking that I have any business continuing my aspirations of being an artist
I even managed to attract the attention of an accomplished guitar player but cannot seem to get over the feeling that he will soon lose interest and leave me back at square one
I keep getting the same advice that I should work harder at promoting myself
However, I have realized that I am completely clueless regarding any type of relavent actions that would bring me exposure

I am constantly fighting off the urge to give up on everything
I know that things are going to get better and that I should just hold on
I don’t want you to finish this blog thinking that you need to worry too much