For Me and only Me

October is an excuse to try to work as much as possible
My focus has moved from PyroPlasticFlow to other outside interests
Halloween is perfrct for the video DJ thing so I thought I’d do that for a while
The experience with the metal band, although I ended up getting screwed, was a good excercise in playing for other people instead of just for myself
I have several bands on deck and am looking to see what sticks
I have been giving these bands my best so far and it makes me think back on the way I have felt for a very long time

Playing for yourself is the one answer you always get from musicians and artists when they’re asked the inevitable “What’s the secret of success?” question during the interview
It appears that I have been taking that advice a little too far
I have given my best to every project that I participate in mainly because I treated each project as my only band
The last full band I was in was Autonomy so since then, I have focused entirely on my own material
People would advise me to go out and use my considerable drumming skills by joining other bands but I had a fundamental issue that I wouldn’t budge on
I had to be 100 percent committed to something in order to give it my all
No so much in a physical sense because I could play very well for other people
The issue I had was that I wasn’t going to give someone my best material
That was for me and for me only

Being the type of musician that has to dissect everything on a conceptual level, I would obsess over the idea of not repeating myself
I admired artists and musicians that did the same thing over and over like The Ramones
But in my head, I was one of those people who was destined to be innovative and important
I wanted to be “like” Zappa in that I wanted to strive to constantly evolve
What I am starting to realize is that I took the concept a little too far
Not only was I worried about repeating myself but I was “saving” my best stuff for when people finally appreciated it
The other thing that artists and musicians tell you is to work as much as possible
My selfish attitude towards my talents kept me from a huge amount of work, thus resulting a lot of wasted years sitting in a rehearsal studio obsessing over my material instead of going out there and showing everyone that I am as great as I say I am
I missed countless opportunities to go make all kinds of art and music all because other people weren’t willing to accept me on my terms

This attitdute is starting to reveal itself in everything I do relating to my artistic career
I am perfectly willing to dress up in a uniform and make minimum wage, supressing myself and doing mundane jobs
I am not willing to give myself artistically to people on their terms
What is more preferential?
The resentment I feel over not being appreciated as a bad ass motherfucker spills over into my everyday relations with other people, resulting in agressive and arrogant behavior
Rock stars and successful artists get to be beautiful arrogant people because they have the adulation of the masses re-enforcing their behavior
It does’t matter if they deserve it or not
That doesn’t change other people’s view of me who is neither successful or famous

I recently satrted thinking about being a kid at Tae Kwon Do and sparring flippiantly with my instructor Bobby Autry
He chuckled and then lightly kicked me square in the solar plexus
After I hit the floor gasping for air and thinking I was gonna vomit, I learned a lesson
Afterwords, I mproved
Recent dealings with booking agents left me with a different unpleasant sensation but it served the same lesson nonetheless
Regardless of my opinion of people that put commercial interests before artistic interests, I have to deal with their lack of vision
And I can’t take it personally when they don’t even wanna bother giving me a chance, no matter how bad ass I am (or how little they risk by allowing me to be bad ass)

I have booked a couple of solid DJ/video gig for October, am working on a few more and bitterly being dissapointed at the ones that won’t work out no matter how much I bug them
The secre to my future success is the lesson I just learned once I got over the failure
Once I quit worrying about having to be 100 percent committed to a project, I started to notice that I wasn’t taking the failures 100 percent personally either