Category personal

Just got hit by a big wave of “wanna give up” and need to examine things
So I figured I would make a list of things that happen in my head when I reflect on my progress (or lack therof)

1- “I would succeed if I had a manager”
It seems that I can spend hours and hours working on my actual product but I spend almost no time trying to promote
Of course, I busted my ass on the GZ show but that was because Craig and Skaht pretty much handed it to me
So, it is not a problem with me being lazy, it is a problem with my motivation
The things I see stopping me is that I cannot seem to connect with the people who promote and book
I have found myself wondering if maybe there’s something I can blame it on like social anxiety and part fear of rejection
Part of it is my arrogance
I see tons of local show...

I am more than willing to write many paragraphs chronicling my acceptance of my flaws and failures but I also need to have the same acceptance when people show their admiration and friendship
Although we all know it is shallow on the surface to count the number of people who wished me a happy birthday on Facebook today but it was also a chance to excercise my positive acceptance muscles
Not only that, but to enjoy the positive energy being sent to me

Looking back, many of my recent years have been spent with such an overriding hostility that I couldn’t get over my general mistrust of people enough to feel secure when someone paid me a compliment or showed admiration of something I did
My answer was usually either self depracating or arrogant

I have decided that it is neccessary to accept w...

There are all types of things people have said to me to make me feel better
Be it a failure with my music, rejection from a girl or setback in life, the sentiments I would get from people seemed more like a pat on the head
Of course, people meant well but I usually took it as them trying to say something so that they could feel better about saying something
It almost never used to comfort me but I understood the sentiment
Most of the time, I would rather have somene help me with the situation but that is not realistic and rarely can anyone help you with your problems

Now I know that it is my own hostility that colors my perception of what other’s words mean to me
It is also helping me to consider advice from people when I don’t like the solution
I have reversed my opinon on several things ...

By some miracle, there is a stray internet signal that I have been able to catch so I am gobbling it up as much as I can while I can
Forcing myself to get out of the house and take care of my “jobs”
Posted an ad for the Van
http://minneapolis.craigslist.org/hnp/cto/1953712799.html

After that, I took the bike over to Minnehaha Falls park to ride the trail
The usual plan is to ride over there, go at least to the other end of the trail and head back
However, I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it over there so I took the wagon
Once again, I get to deal with the anger I have over the hit and run because I cannot even put my bike in the gate
I have to tie it to the top
This makes me dwell on negative shit and I don’t like how I get constantly reminded of how this guy showed absolute disreagrd for...

I have to write this from the library because my internet at home has been taken away
This is alright because the library is very close to the house and I need to quit rotting on the internet but I sometimes need info in real time
Guess my list writing skills will have to develop further so that I may use my time more efficiantly when I am here

The big news is that I am not officially sick anymore, although that doesn’t mean my allergies have stopped
My muscles are still a bit weak and sore so I will try an exploratory bike ride soon
The constant sneezing and wiping and sleeping with my mouth completely open has also made my lips real dry and chapped
So much that they are bleeding, which makes me wanna hide from the world for an even longer period of time

Speaking of sleeping with my mouth...

Went to the threapist yesterday and spent the entire time going over the advancements I made lately
First of all, I wanted to make sure that she knew that I wanted brutal honesty from her and told her I needed feedback way more than coddling or assurance
After hearing all about the advances I have made in my personal as well as buisness and artistic life, she assured me that I am allowed to feel a huge sense of accomplishment
She told me that it is rare for someone to be so aggressive about solving their problems and that I should be proud of my hard work
Even more, I was not allowed to tsabotage those positive advancements with the paranoia that it will all be taken away from me at a moment’s notice

What have I noticed about my failings from this angle?
It is all on the back end
I can sit...

I am coming up on a point where I will need to sit back for a moment and reflect on the recent events in my life
Even better, I am going to see my therapist today to give her a list of all the things I have accomplished since I started seeing her

Once the gig is over, I need to look at what’s next in my life
My whole existance has been consumed by this gig and, although I have managed to keep on ahead of bill like rent and insurance etc… I have not made any other solid plans for my life
Not only that, but I will be searching for a new job now that the campaign at Orchestra hall is over
The new company is very likely to pick me up but I have to be ready for the eventuality that they may not

This will be a very important and positive point in my life where I have the luxury of pausing and di...

This whole time leading up to the GZ performance on Friday has been very exciting
My way of coping with the negative anxiety was to work as much as I could on every detail of the performance
Although I have redundancy-ed the crap out of the show, I still have recurring anxieties about potential monkey wrenches
The first one is my computer

My Zune player just malfunctioned and I have surmised that it is the hard drive
I bought both the Zune and the laptop at the same time so…. 2+2=????
Having seen tons of bands and filmmakers tear their hair out while the audience waits for their computer to re-boot, I am plenty scared that this is going to happen to me

The other thing that scares me is that I will get confused and forget something in my programming
There are several moments when I am using...

The past few months of artistic acceleration and evolution have caused a new concept to form in my head
It is the concept of the 21st Century Musician
My first attempts at become a more evolved musician started right around the turn of the century when I joined Autonomy
I had begun to develop a multi-media approach with my TV show and the video loops that I played on TVs on the stage
This coupled with the Ground Zero video gig gave me plenty of opportunities to learn how the visual nature of multi-media affects an audience
I had only begun to think about electronics, having played around with William’s Zoom drum machine and tinkering with an Alesis drum brain
However, I was weak in those areas
Although, playing songs like “Ignite” and “We Have it All” did give me plenty of growth when it c...

getting ready to ride my bike
taking 3 hardboiled eggs and a peanutbutter sammich
Trying to figure out how to access flyers in the left big pocket of my cargo pants whilst there’s a sammich in the same pocket
After all, there’s no way you can fit a sammich AND 3 hardboiled eggs in one pocket
Right?
Until you try to put them in the same pocket
Then you have the difinitive answer and you can stop standing there thinking about how to do it and just do it
Now get your ass to work
You’re gonna be late